Should I be thankful? Or swear a lot? Hammer my head against the wall? Be amazed? Or just go find somewhere I won't be disturbed and cry again?
Cancel that lot. Sorry, people, I'm not quite myself at the moment. But I'm not really sure how I should be feeling.
That's part--or more than part--of the problem, I think.
I found out, very recently, that I share a character trait with one of the characters I roleplay. Not surprising, you say? No, probably not. Everyone usually shares at least one trait with each of their characters. Some characters are based around a single main trait common to the player.
But for this character, I went deliberately against the usual steriotype to create him. And the trait most essential to him is one I just found out I shared. One that I'd been hiding from myself as well as everyone else. (Yes, anyone who is familiar with all my characters can probably pick out which one I'm talking about now. Probably which trait, too.)
I've been under a hell of a lot of pressure lately, from a lot of different directions. Work (or lack thereof), the move of the yeshiva, and another little thing we Jews call the search for a 'shidduch.' It was actually the last one that brought this up. But I doubt it would have happened without the pressures and everything of the rest. (Not to mention those surrounding the Third Issue. Yes, it deserves caps.)
Now, finding out that I'd created a character who had that exact attribute as I did (without me knowing about it at all) was mildly scary. Or something. And knowing about the issue itself is a good thing.
The issue itself is very definitely not a good one. And now that it's come up...I might be acting fine in RP-world, where a lot of times I have to seriously think in order to play a character right.
But in RL right now? I keep coming back to a phrase in The Redemption of Althalus (David Eddings) that strikes me as suiting the situation really well, cliche or no: "Another few days like this, and a loud noise will shatter her like a pane of glass."
And I'd really like to sort it out if I can. Preferably before what's already happened to my character once as a result of this trait can happen to me.
Posted by adam at January 6, 2004 12:32 PMStam, you are being very hard on yourself. I think you are under extreme pressure and need to take a deep breath and stop beating up on yourself. You are too nice a man to do that. Everyone has a time when they feel vulnerable and down and in need of guidence. I think it may be easier for women, like me, to express extremely strong emotions. Men are always supposed to be the strong ones, but this is not fair. Men have emotions too and it can be frightening for them to come rushing to the surface when you are least prepared for them and most vulnerable. Take a mental break. Remember that there is nothing that G-d will not help you with. Your friends too. And it is ok to ask for help. That is what people who love you want to do. Now let me send you a huge hug from frozen Minneapolis and know that it will get better.
Posted by: rosie at January 9, 2004 05:41 AM