Self esteem, self-worth...or whatever you choose to call it.
WARNING: This is huge. Very huge. In fact, if you manage to read it all, and are good at reading between the lines...I wouldn't be overly surprised if you come away knowing more about me than I do. I'm writing this when I'm still partway through...so consider yourself well-warned about what you're getting yourself into here!
I don't seem to have a lot of it. Along with everything else that's coming up, this one joins the flood.
It's kind of odd how these things get called to your attention. Most of the time it takes someone else pointing them out to you from something you yourself said. That's what happened to me, anyway.
The subject in question was if I'd be willing to help others, and under what circumstances. Where would I draw the line and say, I'm sorry, but I can't help you? Every situation I could think of--and mentioned to the other person--pretty much revolved around promises I'd made to others to get stuff done and the like. I suppose I was still thinking about the freelance work I've been doing lately.
So when they pointed this out...I thought about it for a moment. And realized that there wasn't really anything of mine that I'd really stand up for if someone else needed a hand. Even roleplaying...there's been times where someone's come in while I was playing online and asked for a quick hand, so I've knocked in a 'brb' and gone to help.
(With that last...I hope I didn't piss a fellow player off because they thought I was taking a trip to the bathroom... :P )
So...OK. Low self-esteem, opinion of self, whatever. Tends to help others, and often without taking his own due from the matter or worrying about what he was doing at the time. What to do about it?
It was suggested that I just go through my own personal good points--the things that I'm good at, or strong at--and list them. No...that's not entirely accurate. Not my good points. Rather, everything I've already accomplished. So...here goes. I'm going to add a bit of a preface for those of you who don't really know me, because a fair bit of this might seem out of context otherwise.
Firstly...my mom and dad divorced when I was around the age of eight or maybe nine. I ended up with my mom and stepfather, visiting my father every other holiday. My parents were, after not too long a period of time, two fairly complete opposites. On the one side, my mother was an Orthodox Jewess, as was the house. On the other...my father wasn't Jewish at all.
A...very interesting...way to grow up. Rather solid physical on one side, spiritual on the other...and both wanting to lay solitary grasp on my brother and I.
About the age of fifteen...I started to see things differently. So while my brother, at age thirteen, decided to go live with my father, I stayed. By that point my relationship with my stepfather had changed. It wasn't quite close, but we understood one another instead of me seeing him as an opponent.
So from grade five I was in a religious school. It's hard, coming into a new language like that without much in the way of background behind it. I needed a lot of remedial teaching to catch up. But catch up I did, and by halfway through high school I was on a level with my classmates.
High school ended two years earlier than it should have, though. My class wasn't large, so when several of my friends picked up and headed off to rabbinical seminary I was kind of left without a way to finish high school.
I found a way, with some help. There's a goverment-run chain of education places--intended for adults, mainly--called TAFE. It's an abbreviation for something, and I've totally forgotten what. One of the many things they cover there is the HSC (High School Certificate). The courses are geared more for the adult, though, and it was generally older people (early-to-late twenties? I'm hopeless with judging ages) who were learning there.
Basically...I took night school. While studying in the local equivalent of a rabbinical seminary. (I say 'equivalent' because it wasn't really geared for that, but more just a place for the local shluchim (Hebrew for 'emmissary') of Chabad to learn when they weren't out working.) And while my end ranked result definitely wasn't anything spectacular, it wasn't too bad either (70% ranking within the state of New South Wales). But I wasn't exactly planning on taking a dentistry course--although I do know a friend who did--or something else that required a 96% ranking or up.
(::notes as an aside that this appears to be turning more into a summary of his life than a brief overview or a listing of points:: Oh well. Maybe that's what I needed to write?)
About three weeks after writing the final test--and not even yet eighteen--I was on a plane to Israel. Before finding out how I did, even...but despite leaving that quickly, I still arrived at the rabbinical college here in Kfar Chabad at least a week after they'd started. (And halfway-around-the-world jet lag just totally sucks. Took me two days to get back to normal.)
Why Israel? At that point in my life, there were three main places I would have been able to go to learn--seriously learn--where they taught classes in English. Here was one. The second was Morristown, NJ. And the third...was right next door, in Melbourne. Morristown at that point had a fairly bad name and Melbourne was where my dad lived. Neither really seemed like a good idea. And my grandmother (mother's side) lived in Israel part of the year, and had offered me a gift some time ago of an open ticket to Israel...
So I settled in over here, and picked up what's now my Internet nickname as well--Adam Stam. (Although I did happen to call up a friend who was here at that point the other day. He sure recognised the nickname! ::grin::) Mostly just concentrating on learning, full time. Talmud, Jewish philosophy, that kind of stuff. I thought I was only going to be here for a year before returning, so I kind of ignored Hebrew, the country's state, and the Israeli mentality in general. Stuck to what I was supposed to be learning and stuff. Tried to keep in contact with everyone back at home.
For the summer break (it wasn't as large as in the US, and it fell out later on. I'd probably have to check to find out exactly when...probably the beginning of August) I helped out with a camp in the Ukraine. Now that whole thing defined the meaning of 'disorganized.' As far as I know, the people in charge of it learned from the whole thing and improved on later attempts...but I ended up running around like a madman trying to get everything in shape. Despite not really thinking I did a teriffic job of that, the kids really enjoyed it...
I wouldn't exactly have called it a restful way to spend a month's time, though ::grin::
Hmm. Come to think of it, that might have been in my second year in Israel. I visited New York (Crown Heights, mostly, although I did drop in to Manhatten a couple of times) in the first year, around autumn. Jewish High Holiday season. I didn't really get all that much done...aside from being amazed at the size of some of the Barnes & Nobles bookstores. 5 stories of books! o_O I sat down in the corner and read a book I wanted to read (but didn't want to pay the price for--it was a hardback) cover to cover. I wasn't the only person doing that, either...
Okay. I think that's enough for Exhibit #1. I'll start working on the second part of this...
Posted by adam at January 14, 2004 06:10 PM