Is this one going to get as big as the previous one? Somehow I think so...
Note from afterward: Yup, it did. And it's finally done! Rose, you can stop pestering!
Anyway...I'm not sure at exactly what point it was, but I started helping out with the computer side of the rabbinical college (known as a yeshiva). On a paid basis, starting during one of the holidays when I was at a loose end, I started compiling a database of donors. From there it went on to alumni.
As I've already mentioned in passing, my single year here stretched out into a second, and then a third. I started to pick up Hebrew (the official language of the country is actually called Ivrit, but it's based on the same Biblical Hebrew we learn in), but that was more from my studies and casual conversation than any actual intent (Or classes, G-d forbid!! ::grin::) to learn it.
At some point in my third year here me and another total nut took the library here (One of the biggest libraries of Jewish books in English in Israel, possibly, but still not all that many after all was counted. About three thousand books, I think.) completely to pieces and reorganized it. Then we fed it all into a computer so we could actually keep track of who had what and what we actually had. More DB work.
In the meantime I was progressing in my studies. I ran out of class for a bit at the top end (in Talmud studies, anyway) and moved into the Hebrew-speaking program for about three weeks.
Ever tried to listen to a class in one language while taking notes in a completely different one? (I do mean completely different--Hebrew and English don't even run the same way!) It's not at all easy. So when a couple of advanced students arrived, I gave up the struggle without a fight and moved back to the English program where a new class was being formed. On a higher level, of course.
That persisted for a while, and then the other two left again. This time, instead of moving sideways into the Hebrew program again, the yeshiva started up a Semicha (rabbinical ordination) program.
Very small. Just four of us really, to begin with. Oh, there were a few who came and went, but the core group was only ever four.
I'm not sure, exactly, at what point this next even occurred. I believe, thinking about it hard, that it was before I began my rabbinical studies. But it could even have been a full year after they'd started; as I say, I'm not sure. I know for certain that it was three years ago.
My teacher in Talmud, for the three years I'd been in the yeshiva, was a man by name of Rabbi Chaim Zev Steinbach, A"H. (That's not entirely accurate, because as far as we--the students--were ever able to tell, Rabbi Steinbach did not have any form of rabbinical ordination. Did we care a whit for that? Nope. The man knew enough to put any twelve ordained rabbis in his spare pocket. The 'Rabbi' was for respect.)
At first glance he'd just seem like one more middle-aged man over a volume of the Talmud. To a new student, he'd seem like any regular teacher, perhaps one better-versed in his material than most. But to one who'd been around long enough to really get to know him...
He was...quiet, mostly. Very modest, very exacting on himself. A fun teacher with his own peculiar sense of humor once you got to know him. A collector of books (Jewish books of learning, mostly) like nothing you've ever seen.
You know how you have the very visible movers-and-shakers in an organization and then you have the quiet people who just do the work and get it done? Rabbi Steinbach was one of the second kind, in a big way. Quiet, unassuming, and quite happy to stay in his place, teach his classes, and learn on his own while he wasn't teaching (this despite a fairly meager wage, too). You could always count on him being there when we came out of prayers an hour before class, and could always count on him leaving at one to pray minchah (the midday prayer) with the early groups. And he'd be back for the first hour of the afternoon revision session too, sitting quietly in a corner and learning on his own but yet ready to answer any questions the boys might have.
His own personal collection of sefarim (Jewish books of learning) was incredible. Not only did he have an entire wall of his own house, floor to ceiling shelves, entirely covered. Not only did he have a large portion of his mother's apartment full of them. And not only did he have three large cabinets at the yeshiva full of them, but he also had them piled to the roof atop those cabinets. Besides all this, he also managed the buying for the English library of the yeshiva. If there was a book out in the world in his area of interest--Jewish books of pretty much any sort--then he knew about it and, despite his low salary, he usually managed to get a hold of a copy.
So...three years ago, he passed on to the world of truth. And it took me all this mess in my life for it to come out just how much that really hurt me. He'd been my teacher for three years, occasionally stepping over that to the role of mentor.
Heck, I didn't cry as much over the last six years as I had during those three days before I managed to get it all under control again. Certainly much more than I'd done on the day he passed away and was buried...
But that's more a recent developement. ::closes door firmly::
I started learning for Semicha with the small class, and completed the first two sections without much trouble. (There's four in standard rabbinical ordination, usually, although it's not uncommon for there to be more or less. The areas usually covered are the laws of meat & milk (mixing them is a pretty big no-no), the laws of (ritually) salting meat, the laws of forbidden mixtures and the laws of the Sabbath.) My study partner wasn't among the brightest of people and the class wasn't exactly hurtling along, so what I'd usually do is learn the material from the class, then re-teach it to him. Towards the end of the second section a married friend of mine wanted to join us for the final test, so I taught him the material in the evenings.
Now, that particular section took us four or five months (including a month off for revision in the middle) to learn, and the first section we'd just completed had a fair bit in common with this one. This guy came in a month and a half before the test and he came in cold. I won't pretend he did a good job of passing it, but he did manage to just barely scrape in under the bar.
Then the class fell apart, after the test on the second section.
Looking back at that with a gentle nudge (general, not specifically about this) from my parents, I note that I probably should have felt something like deja vu. This wasn't the first time I'd been left halfway to a goal when a class collapsed around me.
Nor was it to be the first time I found a way to finish it regardless. My study partner and I pushed on and began the third section on our own. It was one of the harder sections (and acknowledged generally as such), but there wasn't really all that much we could do about it.
Halfway through that was when I began my part-time job. So I was working in the morning and then returning to the yeshiva to study with my partner. And I was still picking things up faster than him! Got to be mildly frustrating at times, when I'd have gotten it the first time and he'd still not understand the third time I was explaining it.
The married friend and I were also learning about three times a week, in the evenings. I'd teach him what I'd learned during the afternoons. I had a pretty packed day, I would say.
So things went through the third and then the final section of Semicha. There were other things that happened around the edges, but that was the core of things. I helped out with arranging some functions at the yeshiva on occasion, but mostly I was busy working and learning.
The job fell through around about the time I passed the last test in Semicha and got my ordination. Actually part me getting fired and part me quitting...a bit of a long story. The job had never really been anything challenging and the boss...! Well...don't let me get started. So when I thought, at that point in time, that I would be heading home, I gave them notice. Things changed afterwards and I asked if I could stay...and got the answer when a guy with three or four times my age and experience walked into the office. He's now in charge of the department, so I got something out of it all... ::mutters a bit anyway::
Since then, I've pretty much been at a loose end. Nothing much to do in any serious way, really. The classes here are no longer high enough to give me a challenge and I can sit down with any of the current Semicha students (They restarted the class shortly before we completed our ordination--figures, doesn't it?) without trouble. Nothing on the job front either, really, although a friend of mine wants me to pinch-hit for him (9-5, three days a week) while he's abroad. I'm still trying to decide if I will or not--it'll mean that my last month in the country will likely be very busy.
So...at the moment the plan is for me to head on home in about a month and a half.
That's all I can think of for my brief (Ha!) life history--at the moment, anyway! :)
Self esteem, self-worth...or whatever you choose to call it.
WARNING: This is huge. Very huge. In fact, if you manage to read it all, and are good at reading between the lines...I wouldn't be overly surprised if you come away knowing more about me than I do. I'm writing this when I'm still partway through...so consider yourself well-warned about what you're getting yourself into here!
I don't seem to have a lot of it. Along with everything else that's coming up, this one joins the flood.
It's kind of odd how these things get called to your attention. Most of the time it takes someone else pointing them out to you from something you yourself said. That's what happened to me, anyway.
The subject in question was if I'd be willing to help others, and under what circumstances. Where would I draw the line and say, I'm sorry, but I can't help you? Every situation I could think of--and mentioned to the other person--pretty much revolved around promises I'd made to others to get stuff done and the like. I suppose I was still thinking about the freelance work I've been doing lately.
So when they pointed this out...I thought about it for a moment. And realized that there wasn't really anything of mine that I'd really stand up for if someone else needed a hand. Even roleplaying...there's been times where someone's come in while I was playing online and asked for a quick hand, so I've knocked in a 'brb' and gone to help.
(With that last...I hope I didn't piss a fellow player off because they thought I was taking a trip to the bathroom... :P )
So...OK. Low self-esteem, opinion of self, whatever. Tends to help others, and often without taking his own due from the matter or worrying about what he was doing at the time. What to do about it?
It was suggested that I just go through my own personal good points--the things that I'm good at, or strong at--and list them. No...that's not entirely accurate. Not my good points. Rather, everything I've already accomplished. So...here goes. I'm going to add a bit of a preface for those of you who don't really know me, because a fair bit of this might seem out of context otherwise.
Firstly...my mom and dad divorced when I was around the age of eight or maybe nine. I ended up with my mom and stepfather, visiting my father every other holiday. My parents were, after not too long a period of time, two fairly complete opposites. On the one side, my mother was an Orthodox Jewess, as was the house. On the other...my father wasn't Jewish at all.
A...very interesting...way to grow up. Rather solid physical on one side, spiritual on the other...and both wanting to lay solitary grasp on my brother and I.
About the age of fifteen...I started to see things differently. So while my brother, at age thirteen, decided to go live with my father, I stayed. By that point my relationship with my stepfather had changed. It wasn't quite close, but we understood one another instead of me seeing him as an opponent.
So from grade five I was in a religious school. It's hard, coming into a new language like that without much in the way of background behind it. I needed a lot of remedial teaching to catch up. But catch up I did, and by halfway through high school I was on a level with my classmates.
High school ended two years earlier than it should have, though. My class wasn't large, so when several of my friends picked up and headed off to rabbinical seminary I was kind of left without a way to finish high school.
I found a way, with some help. There's a goverment-run chain of education places--intended for adults, mainly--called TAFE. It's an abbreviation for something, and I've totally forgotten what. One of the many things they cover there is the HSC (High School Certificate). The courses are geared more for the adult, though, and it was generally older people (early-to-late twenties? I'm hopeless with judging ages) who were learning there.
Basically...I took night school. While studying in the local equivalent of a rabbinical seminary. (I say 'equivalent' because it wasn't really geared for that, but more just a place for the local shluchim (Hebrew for 'emmissary') of Chabad to learn when they weren't out working.) And while my end ranked result definitely wasn't anything spectacular, it wasn't too bad either (70% ranking within the state of New South Wales). But I wasn't exactly planning on taking a dentistry course--although I do know a friend who did--or something else that required a 96% ranking or up.
(::notes as an aside that this appears to be turning more into a summary of his life than a brief overview or a listing of points:: Oh well. Maybe that's what I needed to write?)
About three weeks after writing the final test--and not even yet eighteen--I was on a plane to Israel. Before finding out how I did, even...but despite leaving that quickly, I still arrived at the rabbinical college here in Kfar Chabad at least a week after they'd started. (And halfway-around-the-world jet lag just totally sucks. Took me two days to get back to normal.)
Why Israel? At that point in my life, there were three main places I would have been able to go to learn--seriously learn--where they taught classes in English. Here was one. The second was Morristown, NJ. And the third...was right next door, in Melbourne. Morristown at that point had a fairly bad name and Melbourne was where my dad lived. Neither really seemed like a good idea. And my grandmother (mother's side) lived in Israel part of the year, and had offered me a gift some time ago of an open ticket to Israel...
So I settled in over here, and picked up what's now my Internet nickname as well--Adam Stam. (Although I did happen to call up a friend who was here at that point the other day. He sure recognised the nickname! ::grin::) Mostly just concentrating on learning, full time. Talmud, Jewish philosophy, that kind of stuff. I thought I was only going to be here for a year before returning, so I kind of ignored Hebrew, the country's state, and the Israeli mentality in general. Stuck to what I was supposed to be learning and stuff. Tried to keep in contact with everyone back at home.
For the summer break (it wasn't as large as in the US, and it fell out later on. I'd probably have to check to find out exactly when...probably the beginning of August) I helped out with a camp in the Ukraine. Now that whole thing defined the meaning of 'disorganized.' As far as I know, the people in charge of it learned from the whole thing and improved on later attempts...but I ended up running around like a madman trying to get everything in shape. Despite not really thinking I did a teriffic job of that, the kids really enjoyed it...
I wouldn't exactly have called it a restful way to spend a month's time, though ::grin::
Hmm. Come to think of it, that might have been in my second year in Israel. I visited New York (Crown Heights, mostly, although I did drop in to Manhatten a couple of times) in the first year, around autumn. Jewish High Holiday season. I didn't really get all that much done...aside from being amazed at the size of some of the Barnes & Nobles bookstores. 5 stories of books! o_O I sat down in the corner and read a book I wanted to read (but didn't want to pay the price for--it was a hardback) cover to cover. I wasn't the only person doing that, either...
Okay. I think that's enough for Exhibit #1. I'll start working on the second part of this...
That job I mentioned, several posts back?
Well, I didn't get it.
I could probably give several reasons (or several of the possible reasons, anyway) why I didn't...but to be honest, I'm feeling depressed enough without it.
::adds it to the list of everything that's gone wrong in the last two weeks::
Well, things are still pretty much a mess. Believe it or not, somehow there was another issue that got added to the small pile of chaos I already had. Hopefully it's solved by now...but it was pretty nasty while it lasted. Yeah, one more thing to worry about.
I'm dealing with it all, though. Learning to focus on what really is important to me and let the rest of it go past. So I was advised and it does seem to help some.
I'm concentrating on dealing with all the emotions that got let out this week. I don't know if it was just the one big issue...or if that issue was just the trigger for a lot of them to come out at once. At any rate, I've lost at least a measure of the control I used to have over emotional things. I still don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, though. Time will tell, perhaps?
I'm starting to look at the brighter side of things, though. OK, I don't much like Israel, or the attitudes, or the job climate, or...or...or..., but now I'm starting to look at the good things I have here.
There's several families I've really got to know well during my six years in Israel. This Friday night (Friday night dinners for orthodox Jews are a rather big deal, involving a large meal and lots of family time) I got invited out to one of the families I know...and they had a second family over that I was also familiar with.
Neither of the families is small. So this meant eleven kids between the two, none of them being over the age of twelve and two still babies, one quite recent and the other still carryable. Ever try being depressed when you've got the better part of eleven kids vying for your attention--or jumping on you to get it? It's pretty damn impossible. Just what I needed in my situation, I think.
Surprisingly--or maybe not so surprisingly--I find myself stronger in the faith department, now that I'm starting to sort things out. It does kind of make sense, that way...if it was G-d who dumped it all on you, perhaps as a test or something, then he sure can fix it all. Or so we like to think? There's two sides to that coin, I suppose...and I'm not going to argue either one.
And I really can't let this go past without a large thank-you to all of my friends, both local, at home and on the 'net. I'd probably be in a right state without all your help! Thanks!
Should I be thankful? Or swear a lot? Hammer my head against the wall? Be amazed? Or just go find somewhere I won't be disturbed and cry again?
Cancel that lot. Sorry, people, I'm not quite myself at the moment. But I'm not really sure how I should be feeling.
That's part--or more than part--of the problem, I think.
I found out, very recently, that I share a character trait with one of the characters I roleplay. Not surprising, you say? No, probably not. Everyone usually shares at least one trait with each of their characters. Some characters are based around a single main trait common to the player.
But for this character, I went deliberately against the usual steriotype to create him. And the trait most essential to him is one I just found out I shared. One that I'd been hiding from myself as well as everyone else. (Yes, anyone who is familiar with all my characters can probably pick out which one I'm talking about now. Probably which trait, too.)
I've been under a hell of a lot of pressure lately, from a lot of different directions. Work (or lack thereof), the move of the yeshiva, and another little thing we Jews call the search for a 'shidduch.' It was actually the last one that brought this up. But I doubt it would have happened without the pressures and everything of the rest. (Not to mention those surrounding the Third Issue. Yes, it deserves caps.)
Now, finding out that I'd created a character who had that exact attribute as I did (without me knowing about it at all) was mildly scary. Or something. And knowing about the issue itself is a good thing.
The issue itself is very definitely not a good one. And now that it's come up...I might be acting fine in RP-world, where a lot of times I have to seriously think in order to play a character right.
But in RL right now? I keep coming back to a phrase in The Redemption of Althalus (David Eddings) that strikes me as suiting the situation really well, cliche or no: "Another few days like this, and a loud noise will shatter her like a pane of glass."
And I'd really like to sort it out if I can. Preferably before what's already happened to my character once as a result of this trait can happen to me.
You've all probably read about the fire in the dormitory over here. Well, they're finally getting around to starting on repairs.
No, this is not necessarily a good thing. Why not, you ask? In order for them to repair the damage, they also have to conform to all the fire safely stuff that they oh-so-definitely did not previously.
What, you still think that's all good and no bad? Quite right...except we have to move out to another dormitory while they do it. Or rather, had to move out. It's mostly happened already, although we're still settling in over there.
They're telling us it'll take them about two months to repair, at which point we can move back. And if they get their butts behind the job...that does kind of sound about right.
It's going to hit my Internet access, though. At least the parts of it that involve US times, especially US nighttimes.
That's the short and not-so-complainy version. If you want all the details and are willing to put up with some venting to get it...please sign this full disclaimer before clicking the 'More' button.
As I believe Matt pointed out, there is not a single smoke detector in the dormitory building. Nor are there any such modern things as automatic sprinklers. There's firehoses in a couple of places, but even those aren't really capable of covering the entire building. It's all cinderblock construction, tile floors, and even the hallway walls are partly stone-sheathed, though, so it's not like the building is particularly flamable.
That doesn't really matter, though. Not only would this building not stand a chance against US safety regulations (they'd probably demand that they just knock it down and rebuild), it doesn't even come close to Israeli regulations. So they were told that there was No Way Whatsoever they would be allowed to clear up the damage until they showed that installation of the required safety systems would be a part of the repair job.
They're busy working on the plans for that now. Talking to water engineers and things on how they can get sprinklers installed without having to do the afore-mentioned knock-down-building-and-try-again.
(I think this is about where people usually point out that a $10,000 ounce of prevention in the original construction would have been much better than a $50,000 pound of cure at this point. But what do I know? I'm not even sure those prices are ballpark...they could be much worse.)
So why does this require that us (on the first floor of the building) move out while they repair the second floor?
Complaint and Sheer Stupidity warning!
The students from the second floor had been placed temporarily in a related dormitory about five-ten minutes walk away while they decided how and what to do about the damage. This proved...inefficient. The building they were placed in wasn't really in the best of states, for one thing, and given that it was that far away it was much harder for the teachers and supervisors to make sure they came to the classes and study sessions. A class ended up in two different places as a result. The kids of the other place aren't necessarily the best company, either.
So. Given that our little English division here just happens to take up the exact number of rooms they're short, guess what happened?
Right. We got asked to move over there so they could move back here. And not just sleeping quarters, either--they wanted us to move our classrooms, office, etc. there as well. Which would have meant that there would really have been little chance that we'd come back here, even after the second floor had been repaired.
And we...we didn't take that idea too well. Something along the lines of No Way On This Earth Are You Getting Away With That.
So, a compromise of sorts was worked out. We'd move our sleeping quarters over there, and everything else would stay here. All sounded good on paper...as much as a bad situation could be made to sound good, that is. Bottom line, even that totally sucked.
The building we were to move into wasn't completely uninhabitable. I suppose we could have just moved our stuff in and left much in suitcases and such, temporary-like. But most of us didn't like the idea of that At All, so the last several days have been spent sorting things out. Rebuilding the cupboards (almost from scratch...the shelving and things at least), scraping and painting the walls, running after keys locks and all the little things that most people get to take for granted.
And thank G-d, things are pretty much done now. Oh, there's still a few of those hidden little LARGE problems that nobody tells you about until there's nothing you can do about it. Like the electricity situation in the building.
There's power into every room. Except the entire building's power supply and infrastructure can not take even a single heater plugged in. Not even a two-bar electric radiator or blow fan. Nothing. Plug one in, and it's not a question of if the power will go out. It's just a question of when. And the entire building goes at once, with the breaker being in the padlocked basement.
(We have a key, now. But when you're on the second floor, and you have to go down three flights of stairs and then around the building to turn the power back on...you move from irritated to upset to where-is-that-bloody-heater in a hurry.)
Fortunately, it never gets really cold here. But for someone who isn't used to three feet of snow, it still gets cold. Not so pleasant. But...well, they're supposed to call in an electrician today to check out the situation (It took us arriving and yelling at them to get them to do it! Sheesh, but the problem is more than a year old! You'd have thought they would have done something about it!) and find out if it can be fixed and what it'll take.
What do I find my biggest gripe about this whole thing, though? Before, the office was right across the hallway from my room, and stepping onto the net wasn't so difficult even at early hours of the morning or late at night. Now, I'm a ten minute walk away. And when you need to be online at 3am (Hall is 7pm-9pm EST, right?)...well, that's just not going to make a person all that happy about it.
Which doesn't mean I won't still do it...how sad does that make me? ::sigh:: Oh well. We'll have to see, I suppose...there is a nice couch here in the office that might work for the every-other-week attendance I'm thinking about right now...