A year ago today, my husband walked out on me and the girls. At that time, I couldn't imagine how I was going to survive the day, much less the next year. I can't remember much about the first few months, except for prayers, tears, and lonliness. I know for almost a year, I misplaced my anger towards him onto his girlfriend. I blamed her for everything. What I didn't blame her for, I blamed myself. Today, I have more appropriately placed my anger where it belongs, however, I have also learned to let go. (slowly, very, very slowly).
I know I am not the first woman to live through a toxic marriage, not the first woman who deluded myself into thinking I was happy, stuffing my misery down with food. I know I'm not the first woman who felt guilty for suspecting my husband was cheating on me, or to be devastated to realize that my suspicions were true. I know I'm not the first woman to live through my husband walking out on me - probably not even the first one whose husband would dare to leave on Christmas Day.
I don't know how other women survive without faith. My faith, and my Christian family held me up this past year. Without my faith, I would not have survived. The numerous times I spent in my bathroom with that razor at my wrist or my neck, then I heard that still small voice telling me He loves me, He knows the numbers of hairs on my head, He believes that I am worthy, it terrifies me to think that I ever stooped that low. I am amazed at God's strength, love, power, and grace - to continue to care about me, who would have so easily just thrown it all away.
This morning, I woke up and brought the girls to my almost ex's condo. I will be separated from them for a week and a half, while they spend time with their dad. I expected this to be harder than it was. (Of course it's only been a few hours, so maybe it will get tougher as the 11 days pass.) I have never been away from the girls for this long. However, I know I can handle this, through prayer, and borrowed strength.
I truly know, can truly understand how God provides now. I can truly understand His strength, His power, His love. Without this really tough year, I would not have the same understanding. For that I am truly grateful. I remember one of those first nights, turning to the Bible and reading "Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all things, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus". I remember thinking, "yeah, right". Being the sarcastic person that I am, I'm pretty sure I said something like, "OK, God, Thank you that I married a lying, cheating, slimey bastard!" However, now I do thank God for this time, for His strength, for guiding me through all this.
This afternoon, as I stared out at my back yard, at the trees, I remember the multiple times through this past year that I've looked at those same trees. I've looked at them, watched them cycle through the season, and realized how fortunate I really am.
I do not understand a lot of things. (and boy is that an understatement).
The trees are dormant now, but they will spring back to life again. This dormancy seems exhausting to me, I don't know how they do it every year. I do not feel dormant any longer. I feel like I am in a new spring of my life. I don't know where it will take me, but I know this for sure - as long as I continue to turn to God, as long as I continue to allow myself to be helped and loved, as long as I continue to keep the girls as a top priority in my life, God will be with me to give me the strength to handle what is to come.
What a blessing His strength is.
Praise be to God in the Highest!
Merry Christmas!
Posted by akris at December 25, 2008 02:11 PM