In recent weeks, working on our editing, Liz and I have discovered not only our own writing foibles, but have become a lot more aware of other people's mistakes. And, if we're not careful, we start sounding like someone's ancient English teacher, correcting them.
This was driven home to us the other day after we'd snarked about the problems with affect and effect [Note: affect is a verb. Effect is a noun. Affect an effect. And, further note, effected is not a word, it's a Dilbert-corporate-ism used to mean "make" and should be stomped out whenever it is encountered. "We effected the changes." No. No. We made the changes. Anyway....] and Jeff - a scientist with a tenuous grasp on the finer rules of grammatical structure - was feeling a little hurt about our insensitivity.
"Gee, Jeff," said I. "You should hear us snark on ourselves at one of our editing sessions. We're much ruder to ourselves than we are to anyone else." As if this excused anything...
So, I decided to go ahead and record a bit of the session we had, just so people could see...
[Format Note: First, the original paragraphs. Then the session. The text we read aloud will be noted in blue. Then the new paragraphs.]
"The ritual begins the night before the public ceremony," Kevil explained, his face solemn with reverence.Loria's eyebrows rose slightly. "A long ritual," she commented neutrally.
He nodded briefly, continuing with his explanation. "That night, each member of the circle must spend alone - by preference, either in the homes of our parents, or in the temple's meditation chambers."
Loria nodded. "All right. Sleeping alone doesn't sound like much of a ritual, though."
He grinned, shaking his head. "We do not sleep. We meditate."
"Do we? On what?"
"On the nature of love. On the nature of our relationship. We must consider very carefully whether we truly wish to join in circle."
Loria laughed lightly. "We're already married, my heart. It seems a little late to back out now."
Kevil's eyes turned serious again. "It is the ritual, n'shava."
Missa, carefully scribing invitations at the table across the room, glanced up with a grin. "Don't worry, Loria," she said lightly. "I understand it's not at all uncommon for someone to fall asleep during their meditation. As long as you're alone, no one's going to give you too hard a time for it."
Loria caught the mildly exasperated look Kevil shot in Missa's direction. Kevil was, she knew, extremely devout to his Bright Lady, and more than a little bit of a traditionalist. This was, she sensed, very important to him, not only that all the steps be taken, but that they were granted all the reverence and respect that tradition demanded.
"It's all right, Mish," she said quickly, smiling at Kevil and reaching to twine her fingers with his. "Kevil was very sweet about following all of my family's traditions and rules. I want to do this right. I'll have to catch a nap that afternoon, but I'll do it."
She knew, from the sudden flood of love in his eyes, that it was the right decision. She had loved him, after all, from the moment they first met.
KT: Ok, we'll just sit this over here. Right...
Liz: Shall we begin?
KT: Yes.
Liz: Am I reading?
KT: You're reading.
Liz: I'm reading.
KT: Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, write a note that you wanted to try the cocoa.
Liz: I'm supposed to make a note?
KT: Well, so we don't forget. We'll just stick that there...
Liz: Sure, that'll do
KT: Sorry.
Liz: Chapter two, circle in the sand. All right how much do we have in our first sentence? Not much? Ok, I have quite a bit. I got rid of public, changed explained to said, and got rid of everything after "said." So I have "The ritual begins the night before the ceremony," Kevil said.
KT: Mmmm, that's true, it's not like there's a private ceremony..
Liz: Well, it's sort of private, but it's well....
KT: ok....
Liz: Ok, we're going to get rid of these eyebrows... There are too many eyebrows. There are eyebrows all over the place. It's this whole facial expression thing...
KT: That's Ok. You want to know what I noticed about Chapter Four? Not that we're doing Chapter Four tonight? But that we're very pully people. We grab people's arms and we pull them everywhere.
Liz: That must be why they're all so long...
KT: We pull them down the street, we pull them into discussions...
laughter
Liz: Ok, that must be why everyone's features are so long, we're pulling on them too much.
KT: Ok, we can get rid of the eyebrows.
Liz: So I have "A long ritual," Loria commented, neutrally.
KT: I took out neutrally.
Liz: Loria commented period.
KT: And then, I added a sentence here...
Liz: Wooo! Let's have it.
KT: Although some of Loria's devotions to her own goddess, Nacheyla, were lengthy, the marriage ceremony was not one of them.
Liz: Say that again.
KT: Although some of Loria's devotions to her own goddess, Nacheyla, were lengthy, the marriage ceremony was not one of them.
Liz: Got it. Email that to me. Alright, I took out briefly, and I put in an and. He nodded and continued his explanation.
KT: I changed that to He nodded, continuing his explanation.
Liz: Well, the with definately needs to go. He nodded and continued. He nodded, continuing.
KT: I liked continued. At least keeps that verb-tense thing going. We change tenses all the time.
Liz: We do that a lot, yeah. Well, I completely rewrote the next bit, so let's see what you have first.
KT: "That night each member of the prospective circle must spend alone." And then I have this note here: Loria stayed at Kevil's place - did we want to take this line out?
Liz: Yeah, um, yeah I changed that... I changed each member of the cirlce to we each.
KT: We each? No, no, I don't like that.
Liz: Something.
KT: Prospective is a sort of Kevil-snotty word
Liz: And everything after the dash - die evil dash! - I put something like "You may stay here, if you like. I will make use of the temple's chambers."
KT: Oh, that's good. I like that.
Liz: What did you do?
KT: I just took it out. My point was, this is not what Loria does, so we might want to change that.
Liz: Keep that. I got rid of the nod.
KT: Yeah, we nod alot
Liz: Almost as much as we smile. The rest of her sentence I left alone. Did you get rid of the whole next sentence? The stupid grinning?
KT: I took out the whole "he grinned" We just did one of these back and forth...
Liz: grinning and nodding and nodding and grinning.
KT: I just, for this whole section, I got rid of all the dialogue tags.
Liz: Woohoo! Ok, "We do not sleep. We meditate." "Do we? On what?" "On the nature of love. On the nature of our relationship. We must consider very carefully whether we truly wish to join in circle." And then you got rid of Loria laughing. "We're already married my heart. It seems a little late to back out now."
KT: And then I added this little Loria joked, turning her hand back and forth, spraying light across her wedding ring. Just sort of a ... what I meant for her to do is this gestures Basically what she's doing is holding up her hand saying "It's a little late, don't you think?"
Liz: She held up her hand, displaying her wedding ring?
KT: Yeah, something like that. I think put this at the beginning of the sentence because she's doing it while she's talking.
Liz: We're going to get rid of Kevil being serious.
KT: Oh, yes, Kevil and his eyeballs. Everybody looks at everything.
Liz: Yes, I know.
KT: It's like "Stop looking at each other!"
Liz: Just the whole thing. wipe it. It is the ritual, n'shava. Italicize n'shava. Missa - who we need because we're introducing Missa - carefully scribing invitations across the room glanced up. Period.
KT: Glanced up from her work.
Liz: Sure.
KT: Just because "glanced up" seems sort of what? where?
Liz: "Don't worry, Loria," she said. Period."I understand it's not at all uncommon for someone to fall asleep during their meditation." And then I changed this last bit.
KT: Yeah, I'm a little awkward with this "too hard a time"
Liz: I changed that to "As long as you're alone, it's not all that serious."
KT: Yeah, that's good.
Liz: Ok, we killed the mildly.
KT: Yeah, I took out the mildly.
Liz: Loria caught the mildly... no, Loria caught the exasperated look Kevil shot in Missa's direction.
KT: Yeah, every once in a while, they can look at each other, and this is kinda an important look.
Liz: A specific glare... a sort of "Don't do that." Ok, and I have two of these little things here where I start the sentence, put a clause in it and finish the sentence. Kevil was, she knew, extremely... which I do all the freaking time.
KT: I took out this thought here. Kevil was devout to his Bright Lady.
Liz: Yes, that's what I did too, I got rid of "she knew". And extremely out. Kevil was devout to his Bright Lady and more than a little bit of a traditionalist. Then here is it again. This was, she sensed, very important. That's my big trick.
KT: I got rid of that, it's like we're putting dialogue tags in the middle of sentences.
Liz: Yeah, when I'm writing, I like the flow of it, but it reads badly.
KT: Oh.
Liz: And I changed this to it. It was. It was very important to him, not only that all the steps be taken, but that they were granted all the reverence and respect that tradition demanded.
KT: And I have a new paragraph here...
Liz: A new paragraph.
KT: Which I stuck on this other sheet for no particularly good reason... flips some pages It was little enough that he asked of her, and she was not so fanatical in her own beliefs as to hold his in contempt. Although she felt no particular alliegance to the Bright Lady, the goddess was Nacheyla's younger sister in the Heavens. The goddess of love and the goddess of motherhood should be closely allied, she thought, pressing one hand to her stomach.
Liz: Ok
KT: I just...
Liz: we needed to get it in there. I'm not writing that all out, it was a good solution last time, just email it to me.
KT: Ok... note here
Liz: Where was the other sentence?
KT: After long ritual. I just had this problem with this whole "Loria is doing this to be cute for Kevil... I wanted to sort of line up... She's a priestess, she understands."
Liz: Did you take out quickly?
KT: Yeah.
Liz: "It's all right, Mish," she said, reaching to twine her fingers with Kevil's. "He was very sweet about following all of my family's traditions and rules. I want to do this right." And I just killed the last sentence.
KT: Ok. And then I had made some changes in this last sentence. "She knew from the flood of love in his eyes, that she had touched him and was glad to know it."
Liz: How about and just was glad. She had loved him, after all, from the moment they first met.
KT: I changed that. She had loved him, after all from the first moment they met. I don't know why, it just seemed to flow a little smoother.
Liz: That's fine. Ok, we ready?
KT: sighs Ok, Jeff, that's enough for you. turns off the recorder.
"The ritual begins the night before the ceremony," Kevil said.
"A long ritual," Loria commented. Although some of Loria's devotions to her own goddess, Nacheyla, were lengthy, the marriage ceremony was not one of them.
He nodded and continued his explanation. "That night, each member of the prospective circle must spend alone. You may stay here, if you like. I will make use of the temple's chambers."
"All right. Sleeping alone doesn't sound like much of a ritual, though."
"We do not sleep. We meditate."
"Do we? On what?"
"On the nature of love. On the nature of our relationship. We must consider very carefully whether we truly wish to join in circle."
Loria held up her hand, displaying her wedding ring. "We're already married, my heart. It seems a little late to back out now."
"It is the ritual, n'shava."
Missa, carefully scribing invitations at the table across the room, glanced up fomr her work. "Don't worry, Loria," she said. "I understand it's not at all uncommon for someone to fall asleep during their meditation. As long as you're alone, it's not that serious."
Loria caught the exasperated look Kevil shot in Missa's direction. Kevil was extremely devout to his Bright Lady, and more than a little bit of a traditionalist. It was very important to him, not only that all the steps be taken, but that they were granted all the reverence and respect that tradition demanded. It was little enough that he asked of her, and she was not so fanatical in her own beliefs to hold his in contempt. Although she felt no particular alliagance to the Bright Lady, the goddess was Nacheyla's younger sister in the Heavens. The goddess of love and the goddess of motherhood should be closely allied, she thought, pressing one hand to her stomach.
"It's all right, Mish," she said, reaching to twine her fingers with Kevil's. "He was very sweet about following all of my family's traditions and rules. I want to do this right."
She knew, from the flood of love in his eyes, that she had touched him and was glad. She had loved him, after all, from the first moment they met.
Posted by tisfan at February 01, 2003 07:02 AM