More Lactation Woes

You know, I bet most of you out there who read both Liz and my blog are very sick of reading about nursing woes and commentary...

It's difficult - nay, even impossible - not to think about it constantly, though. I probably think about it 8 - 12 times a day. (That's sort of a joke and also sort of serious. 8-12 times a day is about how often Jessica nurses. Not to mention one or two pumpings a day, iffen I can get around to it...)

In any case, if my mammary functions bother you, feel free to divert your attention elsewhere. I perfectly understand... but, for the record, you have been warned.

Ok, first off, everyone I talk to who nurses or has nursed (and especially those ladies who pump) often refer to feeling rather bovine. Getting in touch with my inner cow. I am woman, hear me moo. I wonder why this is?

I mean, every mammal on the planet that gives birth lactates. Cats lactate. Whales nurse their young. Even platypi make milk. So why are we all obsessed with feeling like cows? Even I make cow jokes.

On the other hand, there are other, less pleasant ways to feed one's young... at least I'm not regurgitating my breakfast and stuffing it into Jessica's gaping maw. Nah, I'll feel somewhat bovine, thanks.

Most of the time.

There are days when Jessica has these marathon nursing sessions (the other day we started nursing around 5pm and with a few 10-20 minute breaks, were straight on til 11 when I finally gave up and had Kevin make her up a bottle) that I might think at least vomiting up my breakfast might be easier. And it's not like I didn't get practice at it while pregnant.

Next topic. (You're welcome)

Pumping: I don't have lots of problems nursing, but I do have problems pumping. About 97% of them are psychological and 2% of them are all in my head. The remaining percent is probably just a statisical fluke.

They all stem from the same thing. I hate pumping. It's boring. It's also somewhat degrading. I feel ridiculous. Nursing might be the same amount of boring and time consuming, but at least I get to feel all motherly. Pumping just makes me feel stupid.

I have a lot of trouble with let down while pumping, which means the first 3 to 4 minutes of a pumping session is just having my breast tugged on by the pump and nothing comes out. And it's not even like I'm away from the baby - she's usually right there in the bassinette next to me (giving the pump a rather jealous stare, most of the time, too).

I also don't produce a lot of "extra" milk anymore. I did for a while, but now it's adapted to Jessica's demands. In order to get one storage bag, I have to feed the baby, wait an hour and a half and then pump. Sometimes I don't even get an hour and a half after pumping to "restock" for the baby again. It usually takes 2 pumping sessions to put away one freezer bag. (I know, I know, the tragedy... but still)

I'm not even totally sure why I want the extra milk. It's not like my social life is so demanding that I need it. I don't work and I am rarely out of the house for anything more than a trip to the grocery store. Last week we went to Kevin's company Christmas party and it was the first time I'd been away from the baby for more than 20 minutes. Jessica took about 4 ounces of the 6 ounce bottle I'd prepped for Mrs. Eatroff during that time. I'd sent along another frozen bag if she needed it, but she didn't. This month plans to be a little busier than normal - Kevin and I are going to see the extended Two Towers tomorrow and then next week we're going to see Return of the King, but even at the worst, that's 4 bags used. And I have 15 of them stored in the freezer.

What am I hording all this milk for? The vague possibility that I might someday have a life? Or is it sort of like neopoints, I'm saving them because I can? A reflection of the fact that I can't seem to save any money and so I'm saving the only thing I can hold on to? That I feel inferior and pathetic because I don't work and I'm not writing, but at least I can do this? We can't afford to buy Christmas presents this year, but at least I have stored milk... ::sighs:: Boy, doesn't that look stupid written down.

I love my daughter. I really do.

But sometimes I'm not all that keen on myself...

Posted by tisfan at December 12, 2003 11:06 AM